Flag Controversy

So with the recent flag debate and everyone putting their two cents in, I figured I might as well to. And I'm sure I will make a lot of people mad with this but I ask you to just read with an open mind. Try to see the other side of things. The recent news has gotten everyone up in arms about it and to be honest, it's gotten ignorant. And I've seen so many posts saying something like "If this flag offends you then you need to learn some history". Well I've researched a lot of history. And the fact of the matter is, the flag in question is a symbol of hate and racism for many, many people. Yes, you may call it southern pride and it very well may be for you. But the original design was created for the simple reason to represent states who committed treason and who felt that the whites should have more rights than blacks. Don't believe me? The designer himself, William Thompson, described the flag with these words "As a people, we are fighting to maintain the Heaven-ordained supremacy of the white man over the inferior or colored race" and "Such a flag…would soon take rank among the proudest ensigns of the nations, and be hailed by the civilized world as THE WHITE MAN'S FLAG." It's right there in the history books people. The flag was designed as a symbol of racism. I don't understand how people can argue the logic. Not to mention that the Confederate battle flag was never even the official flag of the Confederate! So what are we proud of? What are we fighting for? A symbol of, at it's best, treason against the United States of America and at it's worst, complete and utter racism? Why? You can not claim to be a proud, patriotic American while you honor the flag of the largest treasonous uprising against this country in history. Period. No matter what you think the flag stood for at one time, the truth is it has been perverted and changed into a symbol of hate for many. For so many who look at this they do not see pride. They see a reminder of what their ancestors were put through. And while we tell people "slavery is in the past, we need to move past it" it's kind of hard to do when you have symbols like this shoved in your face. The swastika was once a symbol of good fortune and well being. But try telling people today that it's okay, its a symbol of my proud German ancestry. No one in their right minds would dream of doing such a thing. Let alone have one flying from the back of their truck. But you do have a point about it being "Southern heritage", I'll give you that. So it most definitely should be in a history museum where it belongs to remind us to never let our past mistakes repeat themselves.
And if you claim to be a Christian and are still arguing the case that we should allow this flag to continue, please think about this. If you continue to fly this flag or defend it, what kind of example of God's love are you setting? It's putting anger and resentment and fear into the hearts of our brothers and sisters. It's causing strife amongst us. It's a flag. Are we idolizing it so much that we would put it ahead of people? What do we honestly lose by getting rid of it? Our pride? Well, we are told pride is not good. We know that. We are to humble ourselves. Are we being humble or prideful? Philippians tells us "Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves." Why are we causing rivalry over a symbol of this world? Are we putting ourselves ahead of others? 

And Romans says "Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor." Are we showing affection and honor to our brothers and sisters? 

Continuing in Romans, and what I personally feel plays the biggest part for myself is "Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother... I know and am persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself, but it is unclean for anyone who thinks it unclean. For if your brother is grieved by what you eat, you are no longer walking in love. By what you eat, do not destroy the one for whom Christ died." Straight up, we are causing stumbling blocks for others. It hurts them. It grieves them. Christ died for them just as He died for all of us. We have no right to hinder His children that way. 

I hope people take what I've just written in the love I meant it for. I don't mean to cause more strife. I just really believe we are fighting an ignorant fight when there are so very many things that are more important to fight for.

I Will Never Give Up

Little known fact about me. I really despise attention. It makes me uncomfortable. And I internally scream when I'm singled out. I've been this way forever. As a child, some of my family can tell you that I always stood with my head down and my arm wrapped around myself and I did my best to be invisible. Not because I was shy in the normal sense. But because I didn't want anyone to notice me and then by noticing me, possibly hurt me. I know it hurt some of my family deeply (love you Aunt Sheila) and some never even noticed or cared. As a teenager I tried to compensate for my utter lack of self confidence by putting on this tough girl attitude and by pretending to be someone that I wasn't. No I didn't do lots of horrible things but I might have pretended to do more than I did just to look tough so others couldn't hurt me. As an adult I've learned to compensate for my lack of confidence by simply pretending I am confident. I smile. A lot. I do genuinely like to smile. I genuinely want to be happy. I put myself out there to meet others. I bring attention to myself in order that the attention on me is of my doing and is in my control. I'm not 100% sure that "faking it till I make it" is the healthiest way of going about it, but for the most part it works, for me. And throughout my life, when it gets to be too much, I retreat. I lose myself inside. Rather it's through books, the internet or sleep or whatever I can find. I run away. Which I know is really not healthy. But it's allowed me to survive this far. Children of abuse learn coping mechanisms that sometimes seem backwards and to not make much sense to others. But we learn to do what we can to survive. To retreat enough to stay safe until the coast is clear and then we come back out and set to work building ourselves back up. As my husband calls it, my tower of building blocks. The foundation was cracked and shattered a long time ago and can never be completely fixed. But it can be patched. And glued. And taped. And made sturdy. Even if not 100% it can still be mended enough to start to build atop it. And every block placed on top that makes me, me has to be placed just so. Because the slightest shift can send it crashing down. But I keep at it. Even when they shift and fall. Even when I have to take a break and go back to blocks I placed years ago to repair a new crack. Or go all the way back down to the bottom to reset a block that I thought I had glued back together already, just to have to climb all the way back to the top again just to keep building more. And then back down, then up, and so on and so on. Forever. It's literally a never ending process. I'm not gonna lie. It's exhausting. And I want to give up. Sometimes you feel that no matter how hard you try, you're never going to have a solid tower. And you dang sure are never going to have a tower as nice as "normal" peoples towers. But what choice do we have but to keep on? I know not everyone likes me. I know some people talk about me behind my back. And it honestly does hurt. I've been misjudged my whole life. And I try really hard to be nice to everybody and to be a likeable person. Because I really do not ever want to be a crack in someone's tower. I want to help others glue their own blocks together. And when those same people I just helped, turn around and kick me? It hurts. I'm human, of course it hurts. It hurts when I go out of my way to include people or make them feel special and they never return the same courtesy. But I try to turn the other cheek and move on. And the next time that person needs help with their block? Well, I'll be the first one to volunteer to help. Even though I know it will be detrimental to myself in the end. I can't not help. I don't have it in me. So even though I know someone may despise me and talk negatively about me, or worse, are just indifferent to me, I'm going to be there for them. Because I can't do anything else. And I'm honestly okay with that. But sometimes I wish it wasn't so hard. I wish I could be normal. Somedays I get angry and resentful. "How come I got such a crappy hand in life?" "How come I can't be like normal people and only worry about myself?" But I know my life is truly not bad. I know so many have much worse things to deal with. I know that there are people dying and cold and hungry and scared and utterly without hope. And that humbles me. I have a good life. I am a good person. I have a beautiful roof over my head and (too much) food in my belly. And I have a husband and children who love me. What more could I possibly need? Yes I had a not nice childhood. Yes I have a father who doesn't want me. I have hangups from a life time of issues. Like I kind of despise my birthday because 1; the attention makes me feel like I'm being selfish and all "look at me, look at me". And 2; I know that the people that should call me won't, even though I never miss theirs. Seriously thank God for good friends, otherwise it would be unbearable. And Father's Day is always a little bittersweet to me. Again, thank God for Nick so I have someone to celebrate. Yes I have every reason to be a horrible selfish person. But I'm not. I'm me. Not perfect by any means. But not bad. And getting better. But sometimes I stumble. And feel like I don't want to try anymore, that it's just too hard. But eventually I hear that little voice in the back of my head that tells me to stand back up. To not give up. That I was made for more than this. That He isn't done with me yet. And maybe my job is to tell my story. Maybe it is simply to go forth and help as many people as I can. Maybe it's to be a voice for those who aren't brave enough yet to speak their own story. Or maybe not. But whatever it is, I'm not going to stop building my tower until it's complete. Until it's high enough that others can see it and use it to help get a foothold for their own tower. And I won't stop until I can reach the top and grab hold of His hand and no longer have to toil and worry and stress over this life.
And until He lifts me up and wipes that last tear from my eye, I will never give up.

A Mother's Prayer

Oh my sweet baby girl. Today is your 13th birthday and while you seem to be pretty nonchalant about the whole thing, I am a great big bundle of emotions right now. 4,748 days ago, you made me a mother. The title that makes me happier than anything ever has. A title that I never thought I'd be given. I've never claimed to be perfect. I know I've messed up plenty and will again and again. But you've never once held it against me. You've loved me unconditionally and I thank you for that. I know I've missed things. Taken things for granted. Not appreciated things. And yet you still think I'm the greatest mom in the world. I know every mother thinks they are messing their children up at least once a day. And I'm sure I have given and will give you plenty of things to talk about one day on a psychiatrists couch. But I want you to know that the day you were born was the best day of my life (shh, don't tell your father). And every day I am grateful for you. You are not the little girl I pictured. You make me question my sanity frequently. You march to the beat of your own drum for sure. To paraphrase Dr. Seuss, you weren't born to fit in but to stand out. And you do it wonderfully. You add color to this world and to my life. I could not imagine a life without you. You are what made us a family. And I'm so glad God gave us you. And my prayer for you is this.
I pray that you always seek God in everything you do. He loves you more than anyone else ever has or ever will. Yes even more than me. He knew you before you were born and called you by name. Many people will hurt and disappoint you. But if your faith and trust is in Him, He will never leave you or forsake you.
I pray that you continue to have a helping and caring heart. We are all just trying to get by in this world and everybody at one point or another will need a helping hand. I pray that you actively look for those in need and reach out to them. Nobody ever became poor by giving. And you'll find that the more you help others, you are the one being helped.
I pray for your health and safety. Oh Lord, do I pray He keeps you safe. I pray that you eat more veggies and less burgers. That you drink a ton of water. That you exercise at least 20 minutes every single day. That you look both ways before crossing the street. That you remember how to defend yourself and escape from bad guys. That you're careful around sharp objects. That you never fail to wear your seatbelt and stay at or below the speed limit. Oh Lord, please keep my baby girl safe and healthy. But if you do get sick or hurt. I pray that you have inner peace in knowing that even though our earthly bodies will one day waste away, our spirits will live forever in His kingdom.
I pray that your life has more happiness and laughter than it does heartache. But I do pray for some heartache (but just a little). Because through heartache we learn how to truly heal and we find an inner strength and determination in ourselves that is awesome to behold. You really have no idea how strong you can be until you have no other choice.
I pray that you find something in your life that gives you great joy. And you use that joy to lead others. That you let your light shine so brightly that you help guide others to their own lights. One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite authors C.S. Lewis is "Don't shine so that others can see you. Shine so that through you, others can see Him!"
I pray that you never lose your love of reading. How great is it that we can read something written hundreds of years ago and the words still hold true today? How wonderful is it that through reading we know that others have felt the same emotions and thoughts as we have? That we can connect with people from across the world and throughout generations all because of the written word? Gives me chills!
I pray you never ever stop learning new things. That you always keep a curious mind. Find out how things work. Take them apart and put them back together. Pour over that problem until it makes sense to you. And if you can't figure out how or why on your own, find someone that does know and pester them until they show you. There is always going to be people better and smarter than us. But that's how we learn. We ask questions. We tinker. Don't be afraid to ask questions. And if one person won't give you the answer you need, find someone that will. The answer is always there somewhere. We just gotta dig it out.
I pray that you have good friends. Not necessarily a lot of them. But a few really good ones. Ones that though may not always agree with you, are always there for you. Even when they're mad at you. Even when they're busy. Even when they're miles away. And I pray that you are that friend as well to them.
I pray that you one day meet a man that only loves God more than he loves you. That he falls to his knees in prayer before he falls to his knee for your hand. That he respects you. That he adores you. That he rubs your feet when they're cold. Who kisses you with both tenderness and passion and who never stops looking at you like you hung the moon. And I pray that you do the same for him. That when you are both tired and cranky, when you're trying to learn how to build a household together and most months have more month than money, that neither of you lose sight of your love and commitment to not only each other but to God. That when you get angry with each other that you turn to prayer and the bible instead of harsh words.
And I pray that if and when you decide that you're both ready for children, that God blesses you with a child as colorful, and crazy, and fun, and loving, and smart, and perfect as He did me.
Amen.