I Will Never Give Up

Little known fact about me. I really despise attention. It makes me uncomfortable. And I internally scream when I'm singled out. I've been this way forever. As a child, some of my family can tell you that I always stood with my head down and my arm wrapped around myself and I did my best to be invisible. Not because I was shy in the normal sense. But because I didn't want anyone to notice me and then by noticing me, possibly hurt me. I know it hurt some of my family deeply (love you Aunt Sheila) and some never even noticed or cared. As a teenager I tried to compensate for my utter lack of self confidence by putting on this tough girl attitude and by pretending to be someone that I wasn't. No I didn't do lots of horrible things but I might have pretended to do more than I did just to look tough so others couldn't hurt me. As an adult I've learned to compensate for my lack of confidence by simply pretending I am confident. I smile. A lot. I do genuinely like to smile. I genuinely want to be happy. I put myself out there to meet others. I bring attention to myself in order that the attention on me is of my doing and is in my control. I'm not 100% sure that "faking it till I make it" is the healthiest way of going about it, but for the most part it works, for me. And throughout my life, when it gets to be too much, I retreat. I lose myself inside. Rather it's through books, the internet or sleep or whatever I can find. I run away. Which I know is really not healthy. But it's allowed me to survive this far. Children of abuse learn coping mechanisms that sometimes seem backwards and to not make much sense to others. But we learn to do what we can to survive. To retreat enough to stay safe until the coast is clear and then we come back out and set to work building ourselves back up. As my husband calls it, my tower of building blocks. The foundation was cracked and shattered a long time ago and can never be completely fixed. But it can be patched. And glued. And taped. And made sturdy. Even if not 100% it can still be mended enough to start to build atop it. And every block placed on top that makes me, me has to be placed just so. Because the slightest shift can send it crashing down. But I keep at it. Even when they shift and fall. Even when I have to take a break and go back to blocks I placed years ago to repair a new crack. Or go all the way back down to the bottom to reset a block that I thought I had glued back together already, just to have to climb all the way back to the top again just to keep building more. And then back down, then up, and so on and so on. Forever. It's literally a never ending process. I'm not gonna lie. It's exhausting. And I want to give up. Sometimes you feel that no matter how hard you try, you're never going to have a solid tower. And you dang sure are never going to have a tower as nice as "normal" peoples towers. But what choice do we have but to keep on? I know not everyone likes me. I know some people talk about me behind my back. And it honestly does hurt. I've been misjudged my whole life. And I try really hard to be nice to everybody and to be a likeable person. Because I really do not ever want to be a crack in someone's tower. I want to help others glue their own blocks together. And when those same people I just helped, turn around and kick me? It hurts. I'm human, of course it hurts. It hurts when I go out of my way to include people or make them feel special and they never return the same courtesy. But I try to turn the other cheek and move on. And the next time that person needs help with their block? Well, I'll be the first one to volunteer to help. Even though I know it will be detrimental to myself in the end. I can't not help. I don't have it in me. So even though I know someone may despise me and talk negatively about me, or worse, are just indifferent to me, I'm going to be there for them. Because I can't do anything else. And I'm honestly okay with that. But sometimes I wish it wasn't so hard. I wish I could be normal. Somedays I get angry and resentful. "How come I got such a crappy hand in life?" "How come I can't be like normal people and only worry about myself?" But I know my life is truly not bad. I know so many have much worse things to deal with. I know that there are people dying and cold and hungry and scared and utterly without hope. And that humbles me. I have a good life. I am a good person. I have a beautiful roof over my head and (too much) food in my belly. And I have a husband and children who love me. What more could I possibly need? Yes I had a not nice childhood. Yes I have a father who doesn't want me. I have hangups from a life time of issues. Like I kind of despise my birthday because 1; the attention makes me feel like I'm being selfish and all "look at me, look at me". And 2; I know that the people that should call me won't, even though I never miss theirs. Seriously thank God for good friends, otherwise it would be unbearable. And Father's Day is always a little bittersweet to me. Again, thank God for Nick so I have someone to celebrate. Yes I have every reason to be a horrible selfish person. But I'm not. I'm me. Not perfect by any means. But not bad. And getting better. But sometimes I stumble. And feel like I don't want to try anymore, that it's just too hard. But eventually I hear that little voice in the back of my head that tells me to stand back up. To not give up. That I was made for more than this. That He isn't done with me yet. And maybe my job is to tell my story. Maybe it is simply to go forth and help as many people as I can. Maybe it's to be a voice for those who aren't brave enough yet to speak their own story. Or maybe not. But whatever it is, I'm not going to stop building my tower until it's complete. Until it's high enough that others can see it and use it to help get a foothold for their own tower. And I won't stop until I can reach the top and grab hold of His hand and no longer have to toil and worry and stress over this life.
And until He lifts me up and wipes that last tear from my eye, I will never give up.

A Mother's Prayer

Oh my sweet baby girl. Today is your 13th birthday and while you seem to be pretty nonchalant about the whole thing, I am a great big bundle of emotions right now. 4,748 days ago, you made me a mother. The title that makes me happier than anything ever has. A title that I never thought I'd be given. I've never claimed to be perfect. I know I've messed up plenty and will again and again. But you've never once held it against me. You've loved me unconditionally and I thank you for that. I know I've missed things. Taken things for granted. Not appreciated things. And yet you still think I'm the greatest mom in the world. I know every mother thinks they are messing their children up at least once a day. And I'm sure I have given and will give you plenty of things to talk about one day on a psychiatrists couch. But I want you to know that the day you were born was the best day of my life (shh, don't tell your father). And every day I am grateful for you. You are not the little girl I pictured. You make me question my sanity frequently. You march to the beat of your own drum for sure. To paraphrase Dr. Seuss, you weren't born to fit in but to stand out. And you do it wonderfully. You add color to this world and to my life. I could not imagine a life without you. You are what made us a family. And I'm so glad God gave us you. And my prayer for you is this.
I pray that you always seek God in everything you do. He loves you more than anyone else ever has or ever will. Yes even more than me. He knew you before you were born and called you by name. Many people will hurt and disappoint you. But if your faith and trust is in Him, He will never leave you or forsake you.
I pray that you continue to have a helping and caring heart. We are all just trying to get by in this world and everybody at one point or another will need a helping hand. I pray that you actively look for those in need and reach out to them. Nobody ever became poor by giving. And you'll find that the more you help others, you are the one being helped.
I pray for your health and safety. Oh Lord, do I pray He keeps you safe. I pray that you eat more veggies and less burgers. That you drink a ton of water. That you exercise at least 20 minutes every single day. That you look both ways before crossing the street. That you remember how to defend yourself and escape from bad guys. That you're careful around sharp objects. That you never fail to wear your seatbelt and stay at or below the speed limit. Oh Lord, please keep my baby girl safe and healthy. But if you do get sick or hurt. I pray that you have inner peace in knowing that even though our earthly bodies will one day waste away, our spirits will live forever in His kingdom.
I pray that your life has more happiness and laughter than it does heartache. But I do pray for some heartache (but just a little). Because through heartache we learn how to truly heal and we find an inner strength and determination in ourselves that is awesome to behold. You really have no idea how strong you can be until you have no other choice.
I pray that you find something in your life that gives you great joy. And you use that joy to lead others. That you let your light shine so brightly that you help guide others to their own lights. One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite authors C.S. Lewis is "Don't shine so that others can see you. Shine so that through you, others can see Him!"
I pray that you never lose your love of reading. How great is it that we can read something written hundreds of years ago and the words still hold true today? How wonderful is it that through reading we know that others have felt the same emotions and thoughts as we have? That we can connect with people from across the world and throughout generations all because of the written word? Gives me chills!
I pray you never ever stop learning new things. That you always keep a curious mind. Find out how things work. Take them apart and put them back together. Pour over that problem until it makes sense to you. And if you can't figure out how or why on your own, find someone that does know and pester them until they show you. There is always going to be people better and smarter than us. But that's how we learn. We ask questions. We tinker. Don't be afraid to ask questions. And if one person won't give you the answer you need, find someone that will. The answer is always there somewhere. We just gotta dig it out.
I pray that you have good friends. Not necessarily a lot of them. But a few really good ones. Ones that though may not always agree with you, are always there for you. Even when they're mad at you. Even when they're busy. Even when they're miles away. And I pray that you are that friend as well to them.
I pray that you one day meet a man that only loves God more than he loves you. That he falls to his knees in prayer before he falls to his knee for your hand. That he respects you. That he adores you. That he rubs your feet when they're cold. Who kisses you with both tenderness and passion and who never stops looking at you like you hung the moon. And I pray that you do the same for him. That when you are both tired and cranky, when you're trying to learn how to build a household together and most months have more month than money, that neither of you lose sight of your love and commitment to not only each other but to God. That when you get angry with each other that you turn to prayer and the bible instead of harsh words.
And I pray that if and when you decide that you're both ready for children, that God blesses you with a child as colorful, and crazy, and fun, and loving, and smart, and perfect as He did me.
Amen.

Malachi 3:3

A favorite old story I've always loved...


"Malachi 3:3 says: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.'

This verse puzzled a group in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of them offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.' She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'

He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it.'

I am a Christian

I am a Christian. Some people think that because of this I am a close minded fool. But I'm not. Just because my belief is different than yours does not make me wrong. I love all of Gods children even if they don't love or believe in Him. Why? Because He loves me and teaches me to love others. Do I disagree with the way some people live their lives? Absolutely. Do I think they are sinning? Yep! But do I judge them? Absolutely not. Because I know that there is no sin greater than another and if God forgives me and loves me in spite of MY sins than I better give that same consideration to every one else. I do not believe that by calling people sinners and throwing the Bible at them will bring them close to God at all. I believe it will push them away from Him and I never ever want to be part of why someone does not come to God. I believe that by living my life as a Christian and letting my friends and family see that and know of my beliefs through my words and actions of love, not hate, will be more beneficial to bringing them to Christianity than anything else. I am not perfect. I have a lot of growing left but I do try to live my life according to His word. I make mistakes. I sin. I make bad choices. But I'm trying. Some Christians think I am in the wrong for being accepting of others they deem sinners. Others call me a hypocrite because I do or says things they think are wrong. Even some that I defend call me names for believing in Christ no matter how accepting of them I am. Well for all of those that judge me that is fine. I will pray for you even more. And my prayer is that for them to know how greatly God loves them and wants them at His side and for them to accept Jesus Christ as their savior. I am no scholar, I'm not the smartest person out there and I can't quote you the bible front to back. But what I can tell you all is He does love you and He does not want a single one of us to die. Through Christ Jesus we have life ever lasting. This is the truth. This is the only way. That is my honest belief and my most fond hope is for the ones I love to come to know this and accept this. What is better than this type of love? Nothing! He loved us so much he sent His son to die for all of us. As a parent this literally makes me cry. To know you are sending your only child to die for a people that not only do not believe in Him but who some actually curse the name of? How utterly heartbreaking! Jesus died, and not an easy death but one of the most degrading deaths of all time, just for us. For me. And for you! So that we can have forgiveness. How truly amazing is that! He loved me enough, with all the things I have done wrong in my life, to be crucified. How can I not give Him the few small things He asks of me? They are not hard, they do not hurt or hinder me. I just must accept and love Jesus Christ as my savior and love my brothers and sisters as myself! To me its so simple. I don't understand why its so hard for others to accept. But I know it is. It hurts me to see my loved ones living a life away from God. Knowing that their hearts are in the wrong place. I pray for them daily. Even more than I pray for my brothers and sisters who are in Christ. And yet even as I pray for some I am mocked by both them and the ones who say they are in Christ. How sad and hypocritical is that? The world today is a scary place full of every sin and debauchery it can possibly hold. But I know that with Him by my side there is nothing it can do to me to break me because He has already conquered the world. I long for the day that I stand with Him and He tells me Well done my good and faithful servant. That will be the day that all of my pain, all of my sadness, all of my trials and tribulations will be awarded. That will be the day that I am justified. That I am forgiven. When Jesus declares my debts and sins paid! I can think of no finer praise than for His hand on my shoulder telling me Welcome home my special child. For I am His. He loves me more than any parent has ever loved their child. He knew me before the world existed, knew me so well in fact that every hair on my head has been accounted for. How awesome is that? To be loved and cherished that much? Especially w hen I have done absolutely nothing to deserve it? When in truth I have done everything to not deserve His love? But He loves me and wants me anyways? No finer love is there anywhere indeed! And the truth of the matter is, He loves each and every one of us the same. Even those who aren't even trying to follow His word. He wants you so very much. He died for you and cries out for you to come to Him. I know that this note will offend some of you and I am sorry for that but I am even sorrier for the fact that your eyes are that blind and your heart is that hardened that you can't accept my note as a note from my heart meant with nothing but love and good intentions. I pray for you, even if you don't want me to. But for all that I may offend maybe I will reach just one who might come to know God. Or not. I am no preacher. I do not have all the words to say to make myself sound smart or wise. I am but a humble servant trying to spread His word. And I will continue to express Gods love for us all until my last day. I want my friends and family with me in Paradise. I have lost too many that I will never see again and that is one of the saddest things I've ever known. My prayer for you all is this. My dear heavenly father, I ask of you to watch over those who are lost. I ask that you intervene in their minds and hearts so that they may know the true meaning behind your sacrifice. That they may know and accept your love and accept Jesus Christ as their one and only savior. Please keep them safe for as long as it takes for their eyes and their hearts to be opened. And please be with my brothers and sisters. Let them continue on their journey and help them to spread your word to others in a positive and loving way. May you keep their hearts in the right place and their minds filled with the knowledge and words they need to bring others to you. May you comfort those in need and lead those who are lost to your light. Amen.

Lea Woolery

Growing up I went through more suffering then most people do their whole life. Childhood was not a good time for me. Instead of cherishing the memories I try to forget. However there were some people through out my childhood that gave me nothing but good memories and unconditional love.
They were my childhood heroes. The first one was my grandpa. God bless him he loved us kids and gave us everything he had. He went home 11 years ago. A couple others were Steve and Lea. Steve was my grandpa's best friend and Lea was the woman that tolerated and loved them both. They all cared so much about all of us kids and more importantly taught me that I was a child worth loving. Steve went home 7 years ago. And Saturday Lea finally went to join them.
I loved each of them so very much and my heart breaks with the thought that I never explained to them what a difference they each made in my life. My only comfort is knowing that they loved me and knew I loved them as well. I'm sure right now they are all sitting around a table playing some cards talking about what a pain in the ass all of us here are and how much they love us any ways. And until the day I see them again I will remember them in my heart and pray that I will one day be as strong and good as they all were. Rest in peace guys, you are all loved so very much.