I Will Never Give Up

Little known fact about me. I really despise attention. It makes me uncomfortable. And I internally scream when I'm singled out. I've been this way forever. As a child, some of my family can tell you that I always stood with my head down and my arm wrapped around myself and I did my best to be invisible. Not because I was shy in the normal sense. But because I didn't want anyone to notice me and then by noticing me, possibly hurt me. I know it hurt some of my family deeply (love you Aunt Sheila) and some never even noticed or cared. As a teenager I tried to compensate for my utter lack of self confidence by putting on this tough girl attitude and by pretending to be someone that I wasn't. No I didn't do lots of horrible things but I might have pretended to do more than I did just to look tough so others couldn't hurt me. As an adult I've learned to compensate for my lack of confidence by simply pretending I am confident. I smile. A lot. I do genuinely like to smile. I genuinely want to be happy. I put myself out there to meet others. I bring attention to myself in order that the attention on me is of my doing and is in my control. I'm not 100% sure that "faking it till I make it" is the healthiest way of going about it, but for the most part it works, for me. And throughout my life, when it gets to be too much, I retreat. I lose myself inside. Rather it's through books, the internet or sleep or whatever I can find. I run away. Which I know is really not healthy. But it's allowed me to survive this far. Children of abuse learn coping mechanisms that sometimes seem backwards and to not make much sense to others. But we learn to do what we can to survive. To retreat enough to stay safe until the coast is clear and then we come back out and set to work building ourselves back up. As my husband calls it, my tower of building blocks. The foundation was cracked and shattered a long time ago and can never be completely fixed. But it can be patched. And glued. And taped. And made sturdy. Even if not 100% it can still be mended enough to start to build atop it. And every block placed on top that makes me, me has to be placed just so. Because the slightest shift can send it crashing down. But I keep at it. Even when they shift and fall. Even when I have to take a break and go back to blocks I placed years ago to repair a new crack. Or go all the way back down to the bottom to reset a block that I thought I had glued back together already, just to have to climb all the way back to the top again just to keep building more. And then back down, then up, and so on and so on. Forever. It's literally a never ending process. I'm not gonna lie. It's exhausting. And I want to give up. Sometimes you feel that no matter how hard you try, you're never going to have a solid tower. And you dang sure are never going to have a tower as nice as "normal" peoples towers. But what choice do we have but to keep on? I know not everyone likes me. I know some people talk about me behind my back. And it honestly does hurt. I've been misjudged my whole life. And I try really hard to be nice to everybody and to be a likeable person. Because I really do not ever want to be a crack in someone's tower. I want to help others glue their own blocks together. And when those same people I just helped, turn around and kick me? It hurts. I'm human, of course it hurts. It hurts when I go out of my way to include people or make them feel special and they never return the same courtesy. But I try to turn the other cheek and move on. And the next time that person needs help with their block? Well, I'll be the first one to volunteer to help. Even though I know it will be detrimental to myself in the end. I can't not help. I don't have it in me. So even though I know someone may despise me and talk negatively about me, or worse, are just indifferent to me, I'm going to be there for them. Because I can't do anything else. And I'm honestly okay with that. But sometimes I wish it wasn't so hard. I wish I could be normal. Somedays I get angry and resentful. "How come I got such a crappy hand in life?" "How come I can't be like normal people and only worry about myself?" But I know my life is truly not bad. I know so many have much worse things to deal with. I know that there are people dying and cold and hungry and scared and utterly without hope. And that humbles me. I have a good life. I am a good person. I have a beautiful roof over my head and (too much) food in my belly. And I have a husband and children who love me. What more could I possibly need? Yes I had a not nice childhood. Yes I have a father who doesn't want me. I have hangups from a life time of issues. Like I kind of despise my birthday because 1; the attention makes me feel like I'm being selfish and all "look at me, look at me". And 2; I know that the people that should call me won't, even though I never miss theirs. Seriously thank God for good friends, otherwise it would be unbearable. And Father's Day is always a little bittersweet to me. Again, thank God for Nick so I have someone to celebrate. Yes I have every reason to be a horrible selfish person. But I'm not. I'm me. Not perfect by any means. But not bad. And getting better. But sometimes I stumble. And feel like I don't want to try anymore, that it's just too hard. But eventually I hear that little voice in the back of my head that tells me to stand back up. To not give up. That I was made for more than this. That He isn't done with me yet. And maybe my job is to tell my story. Maybe it is simply to go forth and help as many people as I can. Maybe it's to be a voice for those who aren't brave enough yet to speak their own story. Or maybe not. But whatever it is, I'm not going to stop building my tower until it's complete. Until it's high enough that others can see it and use it to help get a foothold for their own tower. And I won't stop until I can reach the top and grab hold of His hand and no longer have to toil and worry and stress over this life.
And until He lifts me up and wipes that last tear from my eye, I will never give up.